Idea Number 24

Continuing with The List...

Middle Age Ain’t All It’s Cracked up to be...I now need Bifocals

What are the perks of middle age, anyway?   There must be some, or none of us would do it, right?   Hitting middle age brings about symptoms called “peri-menopause” (translated menobeware).  Apparently, it is at this phase of our lives “middle age” becomes “middle rage” because our moods can get vicious volatile in the way of a happy relationship.    Or any relationship.  Your relationship with your kids, your husband, and your dog can change.   You may even notice a difference in the way the local grocery store cashier reacts to interacts with you, especially if the store is out of the right type of chocolate chip cookie.   It certainly isn’t your fault, by the way, that folks are suddenly driving you completely nuts, and you have to deal with it by knocking a few woolly warts on their heads.  (Use extreme caution doing this to people you don’t know, or co-workers who may strike you back.   Or grocery store cashiers.  Plus, I am fairly certain that “I’m menopausal” is not a viable criminal courtroom defense.)

According to my body research,

Peri-menopause symptoms include:

Hot Flashes

Sleep Problems

Mood Changes

Bladder problems

Did I mention perks earlier?   You can forget certain perks…like your chest.   Won’t be any perkiness there, unless you’ve gone the way of silicon, and to be truthful, I have my doubts about perky silicon.    And let’s not talk about what the doctors want to do to said perky-less chest.   On my first smashomammogram, I lost whatever innocence I may have had left.  It was an eye-opener.   A WIDE eye opener, wide in surprise that a boob could be that smashed that flat and not blow out.

Men have to deal with these things, too, only they call it Mid-Life Crisis.  (I don’t think certain parts of their anatomy are smashed flat in a vice-like contraption, though.   They couldn’t handle it anyway; they would squeal like little girls have to be coma induced.)   I don’t know too much about men’s symptoms; Ole Boy never seemed to hit MLC mode.  Perhaps I was too busy with my own changing moods and fiery flashes that I forgot to notice.   Or, I was possibly too drowsy from my lack of sleep due to my middle-of-the-night bathroom treks. 

And my eyes!!    Three pairs of glasses, one of which is bifocal lenses, and I still can’t see!   Or, I have to switch out all three pairs for one task!   And there are times when no glasses are better than any of the three.   I have been known to put on two pairs at the same time…NOT because I was having a senior moment...but because I couldn’t see!   And it worked….which led me to the sad realization that it might be time for bifocals.  

There are perks to middle age, I know.  Benefits that don’t have anything to do with body aches, bladders, weight gain, hot flashes or moods swings, like taking your vacation at any time during the year, not just around school schedules.   (Oh wait, I have to deal with a diabetic dog, forget that perk.)   To be honest, I’ve had it pretty easy compared to horror stories I’ve heard.   Besides, if my moods are any worse than they used to be, Ole Boy is too scared hasn’t mentioned it.